As I look down at both positive pregnancy tests my head is spinning. How did this happen again? I was supposed to be getting my tubes tied, I am on birth control pills...
I am in shock, too scared to be happy. Memories of last year and the loss of two pregnancies in less than six months are running through my head. I was unable to even get pregnant after I had Robby nearly 13 years ago. So when Todd and I got married and became pregnant I was so happy. I always wanted a little girl...someone to share my love of shopping and hair. Sadly a few weeks after finding out I noticed something wrong. I had my ultrasound and saw the little heartbeat. Two days later the baby was gone. My heart ached. Just a few months later and I was pregnant again, deeply afraid... I got morning sickness, slept all the time. When I went in at 8 weeks the baby had stopped growing, no heartbeat. My heart sank and I knew it was a matter of time and this baby would also be gone. It took a few weeks and the worst mental and physical pain. The thought of having a dead baby inside me just killed my mental state. I immediately went to the doctor for Depo. This last year my body has gone through hell, and it gave me time to think. Is a baby something I really want? Can I handle starting over?Can I handle the pain of another loss? My answer was no. I talked with the doctor about my options with getting my tubes tied. We settled on the best plan, but my insurance deductible needed to be met first. I had no choice but to go back on the pill. Here I am two months later and pregnant again. My heart aches for the unknown. I can't be happy because I am paralyzed by fear. My head tells me to prepare for another loss...I am scared. I can't feel. I can't cry...I am lost.
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